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06 October 2009 @ 02:26 pm
Last night was not good. I made some really bad decisions and I'm now gonna have to be accountable for those decisions. Most importantly, I think I need to curb the going out and drinking....or just learn when to say enough is enough. I don't have a drinking problem per se but I'm really ashamed of what I did and it's not who I am or what I'm about. Honestly, I feel like crying more but tears aren't the answer and they're not going to help so I'm going to suck it up and deal with it.

Here's to making some positive changes in my life and hoping the next seven months goes by FAST.
Current Location: my room
Current Mood: ashamed
22 September 2009 @ 04:08 pm
My friend and co-worker from back in the day, Jackie (one of the sweetest, most genuine, fun-loving girls I've met to date) has been in the hospital for the past four or five days visiting her best friend, Ali, who was in a horrific rollover car accident last week. I also worked with Ali and even back then she was a sweet girl and you could tell their friendship was something beautiful and they were close. Now she's fighting probably the biggest battle of her life and I'm just so saddened by it. I thought of my best friend, Alex, whose friendship has meant more than she'll probably ever know. I can remember us meeting 8 years ago; sophomore year at St. Mary's and can't imagine my life or my future without her. My heart aches for Jackie because I don't know what I would do if the positions were reversed.

A lot of us really do take life for granted on so many levels. I hate that it always takes something tragic like this or something miraculous for us to realize that. We should appreciate every day we have with every person we love who means anything to us because tomorrow isn't assured and what you do and say today counts immensely. I called Alex right after I found out just to let her know how much I appreciate her friendship and that I love her. Those moments are crucial.

My eyes have been seriously opened and I'm rethinking the way that I sometimes act. Life truly is a gift and I plan on making the most of mine.
Current Location: My Room
Current Mood: sad/hopeful
Current Music: Taking Back Sunday
10 September 2009 @ 01:16 am
Please crawl back under whatever rock it is that you emerged from however many years ago.

You are the epitome of an attention whore and no one thinks it's cute or amusing. If they do, they can join you on your journey back to Whoreland.

I can see why wrongfully accusing someone of STRANGLING you is a good idea...honestly..I can. That in no way, shape, or form is a fucked up thing to do and spreading malicious lies will get you very far.

That or it's gonna come back in the form of some vicious STD.

Just in case you weren't aware, being one of the first "My Space models" or whatever it is that you classify yourself as doesn't make you special OR accomplished. Nor does the fact that you have 2 million friends on there...it simply means that you're nothing but tits and ass usually mostly unwrapped in a slutty little package.


Current Location: ill give you one guess
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: Paramore
08 September 2009 @ 11:13 pm
I can't believe it...I just had written out my entire entry and it got deleted because someone sent me a message on Facebook. That site is the devil, sometimes.

I love stormy weather. There's something about the rain that brings out this free spirit in me. I was at this amazing little coffee joint called Lux with some great company and after about two hours of talking, the lights went off. Those moments are awesome. It's the second time it's happened to me this month...the lights going off someplace where I was either having dinner or just enjoying conversation with someone, like tonight. One of the last times it poured, I stripped to my bra and thong and danced in the middle of the street, slightly scaring the friend I was visiting. Reverting to that childlike behavior is sometimes healthy I think.

More than wanting to dance in the rain tonight, something was awakened in me. Maybe it was the passion with which this guy I was with tonight was exuding but it sparked something in me. I wanted to tell him that even though he's discouraged right now with a particular project he has in mind, to not be because at least he has ideas and creativity flowing through his system. Untapped creativity sucks and I believe a lot of people underestimate the power that creativity and ideas hold. I got to thinking that there are a few different things I wanna try in the next month or so. Writing has always been a passion of mine...I find that sometimes I'm better with words on paper than I am verbally...but I've been interested in getting into the painting scene. Of course, I'm broke right now so I have to wait a little while before I can get supplies but I can't wait. And I'm not going to get tutorials or go to classes. I'm gonna freelance it...do what feels right and tap into that creative source I know I have. Until I do save up enough, I'm also going to do something different by visiting the Phoenix Art Museum consistently. Maybe for inspiration? Maybe just to learn something different and view others' feelings and expressions through paint or whatever the case may be. It's going to be refreshing doing something a little less mainstream..a little less Scottsdale/Mill/alcohol related. The sad thing is, a lot of my friends aren't really into doing different things which is ok I guess but I wanna broaden my horizons. I'm pretty excited to get over there, actually. As for writing, I actually met a girl the other night (a friend of a friend) who works at the Arizona Republic and she talked about potentially getting me a freelance writing job. Although I don't know if that's where my future lies, it'd be fun! And she even said that she could get me to do coverage for when the Cardinals go up to Flag to train next year since I'll be living up there by then. Networking is an amazing tool.

Alright...enough rambling for tonight....I have to be up at an hour that I won't even mention. I've been known to commit myself to things without following through but...here's to committing myself to commitment.
Current Location: my bed
Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: Goo Goo Dolls
06 September 2009 @ 11:47 am
I never really thought I'd make my way back to good ol' LJ and yet, here I am...once again..stretching my creative talents or attempting to at the very least. I hadn't thought that it'd been 2 years since my last post and I've since started up a new blog so why am I on here right now? Maybe it's because I was on here for so long and looking back at my angst ridden posts has made me long to spew something a little less dramatic and more to the point of where I'm at with my life because in the two or so years (maybe even in just the last few months) I've come to realize that guys are not the general makeup of my life. In fact, I've never been so okay with being single and independent EVER....even if previous posts have eluded to that. Don't get me wrong, finding someone worthwhile would be nice but they have to be just that: worthwhile...and nice I guess. haha :) My standards are set and I refuse to settle for anything less than what I deserve...no excuses and no justifying shitty behavior; I know what I want and who I deserve so until I find that; no settling or settling down for me!

Past the singleness that is my life right now, I'm still in school but I have direction now which is exciting!! I'm going to be 23 in three months and the pressure has amounted at times to the point where I just wanted to say "Fuck it!" and throw in the towel but I'm still in school and I've figured out what I wanna do. Writing is my passion; that's ultimately what I would LOVE to do but making a living off of writing especially in today's times when online blogging and online columns are the go to for a lot of people is difficult to say the least and I'm not sure I have that cutthroat blood flowing in my body. So I've come to the conclusion that hotel & tourism management is right up my alley. The benefits are great, traveling is always a plus, and it's not a 9-5-er which is HUGE incentive. Since that's what I'm going for, I'll most likely be heading up north to Flagstaff to finish school seeing as they have one of the best programs for that major in the NATION! I can't wait to get out of Phoenix finally. It'll be nice living somewhere with 4 seasons and the ability to start with a fresh slate. But...I'll also be close enough to come home when I want/need to and when I must see my beautiful nephew, Trystan (who is definitely one of the lights of my life). I've never been someone who has a 5 year plan and I don't think I ever will be which I'm ok with. I'm just happy to have my goal set and to take it a day at a time til I reach the goal of graduation!
Work is work. I've been at Hanny's for almost a year now and don't see the appreciation or shifts (!) that I should even though I've busted my ass for that place and worked harder there than most places in my past. I've tried to stick it through and not quit because that seems to be a recurring pattern in previous jobs but enough is enough. I don't think I can handle it much more and I deserve to be someplace where I'm happy and I'm being rewarded for being a hard worker...not the victim of someone's personal agenda.

Anyway- this is a novel but that's the past however many years summed up.

Until next time
Current Location: my bed
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: John Mayer
07 March 2007 @ 03:20 am
Life right now is going well. So well in fact that I'm starting to wonder what's gonna be coming around the next corner.

My heart is off limits. For a while. It's still a little bruised but more than that, I just don't want to get close to anyone right now. This is my time to just do my own thing without any regard for a guy or a "potential relationship". While I may have said before that I just LOVED being single..WOO HOO!!!!....BOYS!!!...I can honestly say that this time, it feels legit. I'm in a happy spot right now and the thought of a relationship kinda scares me. Hahaha.

But you know how it goes: when you're least expecting it...that's when it comes.

23 December 2006 @ 01:08 am
So...I really shouldn't be jinxing anything. I should not be talking about something that's not even a week in the making but I can't help it. And suppose that there isn't such a thing as jinxing per se...maybe it's simply fate that steps in and determines the future of a fledgling relationship. I'm opting for the latter. :)

Speaking of destiny, that's a particular reason why I'm going against what I try to avoid doing: I'm pretty sure that we were destined to meet. The reasons behind it, well...to be honest, I'm not sure yet. It's still so new. But I'm hoping it's good, whatever it is.

In any case, I've spent the last few days with him and I can't remember the last guy who I can say I didn't get sick of after TWO straight days of hanging out. He's such a nice guy...not a jerk in any sense of the word unless he's being a smart ass. And even then, I kinda like it. I don't like guys who take my shit and don't give any right back to me. Once you let someone know the power they have over you, kiss any respect they could have had for you goodbye. I'm no exception to that rule.

Anyway- I wasn't even interested in him at first (I gave his roomie my number when I waited on them a week ago) but let's just say that I'm very glad that he's the one I've been spending time with. We have a lot of stuff in common..weird little things that just convince me maybe there's something there.

I like him a lot so far. I'm definitely looking forward to getting to know him even better.

I just hope that little habit of me tending to sabotage good things doesn't come into play because if it doesn't, I feel like this could go somewhere.

Here's to wishful thinking. :)
Current Location: my bed
Current Mood: giddygiddy
Current Music: Jack Johnson
12 December 2006 @ 10:06 pm
It's ironic how things end up working themselves out. No..matter..what. Honestly, even if it takes the longest, windiest path there...the path with most resistence, the truth always manages to find a way to expose itself. I can't decide if it's a blessing or a curse. Staying on the optimistic side, I'll say it's a blessing. It shows us the ugly colors in people that we often wouldn't find otherwise. Or it shows us the simple vulernability that each one of us posesses but that some hide better than most.

The more often I find myself let down by people..guys..whatever, the tougher I find my shell becoming. When it comes down to it, however, I'm never gonna be as tough on the inside as I appear to be on the outside sometimes. I've just grown accustomed to being disappointed and to not expect the best out of most situations or most people although deep down...deep, deep down, I'll always be an optimist. The hopeless romantic who's going to get love struck at the weirdest time in her life when she least expects it. To be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I miss him. A lot. Being with him was one of the happiest times I've had in a while but thinking about it still hurts a little too much. It's only been a week since we've talked...a week since he's taken any kind of attempt to get ahold of me but it feels like forever. Things are getting easier as time progresses and as I find myself busying up in work and whatever else. Thinking about it doesn't help so I've been doing the exact opposite. In fact, I hardly think about it but there are times, like now, when I realize how hard I'm trying to block it out. The other day, I broke down in front of my mom...something even she was shocked by because I'd been doing such a good job at hiding how I felt. It felt good, though, to release a little bit of it but I don't make it a habit. He doesn't deserve my tears and I deserve much better than that. He has taken me for granted for the last time. Who would have thought that this is what would become of us after 8 years? As much as I thought I knew him, I guess I didn't as well as I thought I did.

Such is life. I've kept in mind that things could be so much worse. One guy...even if he is THE guy...isn't going to break my world. This is the last time he takes me and my heart for granted.

I'm moving on....
Current Location: My bedddd
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: None..CSI
10 December 2006 @ 04:14 pm
I'm pretty sure that I don't need certain people in my life. They say you only need the people in your life who need you in theirs and to be honest, I don't feel like some people do need me in theirs. It's not that I'm going to cut them out of my life necessarily but when they don't ever ask me about what's going on in my life and they just rely on everyone else being revolved around theirs...not cool.

I'm at a stage in my life where bullshit is not a factor. I don't want it and I don't need it. Drama is not a favorite of mine and people who bring it are even less of a favorite to me. I don't need that in my life...not now...not in the future.

Frustration is where I'm at. With a lot of things. But I'm taking little steps in the right direction so that's all I can do for now. I'm not going to overextend myself in ANY area of my life. Not with Matt who at present time is ignoring me or with work or with people who are just being stupid.

In general, life is good. Things are good. I figure I don't have it as bad as a lot of people so I'm gonna keep on truckin'. :)
05 December 2006 @ 07:31 pm
I don't know why I'm writing. Really, I have nothing interesting to say butttt...I'm gonna write anyway. :)

So...as much as I complain about life sometimes and about how shitty things are, I really have no place to say any of it. Things could be far more worse than they are right now. Sure, I'm not exactly at the spot I wanna be but there's only one way to get there: by doing something about it.

Certain situations frustrate me to no end but ya know what? I only have so much control over those situations and all the control in the world about how I handle myself when it comes to them. Instead of putting so much pressure on my situation with Matt, I think I need to re-focus some of that energy elsewhere. I have been for a little while and it works but sometimes, I'll admit...I get down and miss him more than I like to admit. While I can sit here and wonder if he's wondering about me or if he's missing me back, I could also be confident in the fact that he probably does and that he's just busy.

I'm too overanalytical for my own good. :)

Things change. That's life. It's up to you what you do with it.

I'm out!!
Current Location: My room
Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic
Current Music: John Mayer